Thursday, 11 March 2010

Gavin: This is not just any food, this is... err...

Sales Executive: We all know that a healthy balanced diet is essential to any kid, yeah? So in sick kids, it's obviously even more important, right? So we're proposing that using the basic facilities at the hospital, we can still provide decent food and plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables.
NHS Trust Procurement: Can you do it for less than 4p a child?
Sales Executive: No.

And so it goes on. The standard of food at The Shittington is atrocious and not in a 'ooh, no fresh pesto today' way but in a 'sorry, what actually is that?' one. The only thing that I tried was an omelette that looked and tasted like afterbirth. In fact, the last time I had anything so bad I was nine years old choking down spam fritters. To sum it up, the woman in the queue in front of me said 'jesus, the food's better in prison'. And, she wasn't joking.
So what do we do? I reckon we embark on a Jamie Oliver style exposé where we take famous chefs around the country and reform different units. In fact... the more I think about this, it's brilliant... we'll start in the Gastric Department with Hugh Fernley-Whittingstool, head to Geriatrics with the Hairy Bikers then onto STD's with Ruth Rogers. The only way this can fail is if those short sighted producers at Channel 4 turn me down like they did with 'Raymond's Blancety Blanc.

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