Gavin: Alternative rules (BMT -4)

Sonny spiked a temperature today so antibiotics have been started. Hopefully, this is an expected infection rather than turning into anything really horrid as he deserves a break. Apart from being a bit more tired, he's still pretty chirpy. Four days in and we're learning all there is to know about BMT:

1. On entering the room, Doctors must ask either 'ooh, have you been to Canada?' when they see Moosey, 'who do you support?' on seeing posters of Cesc Fabregas or the old favourite, 'who's winning?' when they see him on his PS3.

2. Internet connections must be as far away from the TV as possible to ensure the maximum amount of cables are running across the floor. Incorrect aerial sockets must be used to give the correct levels of 'snow' on the TV picture.

3. Hair must be washed every day but no hairdryers are allowed in the room.

4. No jewellery or watches are allowed although I think my Prince Albert is safe.

5. Clothes must be changed everyday including pyjamas. Our clothes cannot touch Sonny's. Parents are advised to buy a selection of cheap outfits from Primark or they can just wash their clothes a bit more and not look ridiculous.

6. Food will be served at 4pm, far to early for Sonny to eat. Food must be consumed within 30 mins and not reheated. Therefore, simply throw food in bin to avoid going through the process.

7. When leaving the room, wash hands, remove apron, wait for red light to go out. When entering, wash hands, put on new apron, wait for red light to go out. Forget biscuits Sonny asked for his tea. Repeat.

8. Nurses won't want to do this every time you push the call button so will use the intercom. This will boom through the speaker and make you jump every time; "DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?'... 'No nothing love, I just push the button for a laugh obviously'

9. When anyone walks down the corridor, you must stare at them folornly. This makes the walkee feel like they're in some strange open prison whose inmates are all miserable and wear Primark leggings.